Breaking the Bondage of Narcissism

I woke up this morning thinking about the wonderful man in my life. I wanted to make him breakfast and celebrate him.  When he woke up I told him, "You're not my Father and I didn't make you a Father but I think you're an amazing Father to your kids".  Something I was never able to say to the Father of my kids. (My 3 youngest)  My heart sank at the thought that I deprived my kids of ever being able to say those three words except out of obligation. Maybe he is was a "good Father" now. Not from what I've seen and heard but thank God my kids are now old enough and it's not me forcing them to acknowledge him today.  Then I got to thinking about how 2 yrs ago today we were wishing him a Happy Fathers Day while he was in an induced coma. I watched my kids tear up as they didn't think they'd ever spend another one with him.  And I went into my head about all I did for him during that time and after he was released and how I resented...

Her: He said he never cheated on you. That you were the cheater. Me: And you believed him? I once believed him too.  Her: He is a great Father! Me: Yeah, he did a "great" job fertilizing those eggs.  Her: You're keeping the kids from him. Me: First of all, the kids are adults and they remember who he was and what he did. Her: Well, he's changed.  Me: Doesn't take away the memory Her: You won't let him see the grandkids Me: They're not mine to keep away. They belong to the "step-daughtet" he treated like shit. They were "fathered" by a man he loathed. It's called PROTECTING!  ME: I see myself in you. I too once believed the lies. I also defended the liar. And for what?  For all the nights he didn't come home? All the #s I found in his pockets? The drunken fights?  The lack of being a Dad?  The control of money? The jealousy and insecurities?  Her: He's a changed man. Me: Why? Because he doesn't drink anymore? ...

"If I can't go, you can't go" BUT he could go without me?  This is how my PTSD of inviting myself anywhere began.  We use to get invited to a lot of gatherings. Parties, picnics, etc. At first it was a lot of fun. Making friends. The laughter. The feeling of fitting in. Then it began. As he became more comfortable with our "peeps", when he felt like they loved him enough that he could be himself... the drinking increased and the inappropriate behavior was unleashed. Eventually the invites became, "you can come but leave him at home". How do you think that went over? Yep. "You can't go if I can't go."  My kids had to lose the friends they made at these gatherings. I had to give up my friendships. This repeated for years with each new group of "friends" we would make. Until he made his own friends who drank as much as he did. And then it was ok for him to go without me.  It annoyed the heck out of me when peopl...

I've grown out of the abuse. Every day I am reminded how amazing life is without my abuser. I have a new love that treats me better than I have ever been treated. I didn't believe it was possible to find someone so loving and attentive. I didn't believe he existed. And yet, he's here and he chose me ❤️. I'm happier than I've ever been.  My heart breaks for my kids who, unlike me, can't escape the abuser. I watch as they deal with the same shit they always had in their life. The neglect. The harsh words. The rejection. And just like he always was, only good when someone is watching. Only good when there's something in it for him.   I watch as they struggle to hold on to that little bit of hope that he'll change. Cause he's their Dad. I see him manipulate them. Use them. Things they aren't seeing because of their own trauma bond.  He uses his accident to lure their empathy. "I almost died" and they fall for it. Like I did....

When you finally find love... REAL love... On the day that I realized all the blessings I have in my life, when I knew that these would not exist if he hadn't left, I said out loud "Thank you!" It doesn't mean I excuse what he did or the way he did it. BUT, I might have kept fighting for him and might still be stuck in that abuse had he not.  I think about it a lot less. It hurts a lot less. I'm at peace with his absence from my life. Even if I still SMH in disbelief at the way it all went down, I AM THANKFUL IT DID!  I have a man that loves God. He has a girl that gets her tarot cards read. I have a man that loves me. He has a girl that pity's him.   I finally know what love is. I know what a man is and see all the benefits of it. I know what it feels like to be with someone who is acknowledged and adored by his family. A family that welcomes me with open arms.  I know what gentleness is. Respect. Consideration. I feel safe and peaceful. I look fo...

Notice the title of this blog? It's a statement he made when he tried to justify what he was doing. Saying there was nothing but drama with me and he was done with it.  So tell me... Does complaining to your adult kids insidiously, not count as "drama"?  Is blaming someone else for the way things are (when the way things are, are due to your own actions), not drama? Is cussing at your kids for things they have no control over, not drama?  It's been a year and a half since I've spoken to him. Longer since I set eyes on him. I've had NO interest in having anything to do with him. I don't talk to his "friends". I have nothing to do with the people he has claimed as his new "family". The only people he and I communicate with together are OUR kids.  A few days ago our youngest daughter took a charger back to him that our son had borrowed. She came home visibly upset. The entire time she was there, he complained about how he sits ...