On Again Off Again

The day to day strength it takes to heal from this abuse is grueling. Somedays I can't take it. I swear there are more days that I just want to end it all. More bad days than good days are not healthy to the mind. 
So I find myself screaming at the devil to leave me alone. He doesn't need me. He got what he wanted. There are several souls at play here in this wicked game and he can't have mine. Then he whispers to me that I'm the biggest prize of them all and I know this is going to be a long, hard battle. 
To outsiders, I look fine. I look like I'm healing. But on the inside, I'm dying. And it's an excruciating death. To be discarded like you never existed? Silenced like you never mattered? Abandoned like all those years never happened? He killed me. Who I was,  what I did, right where I stood... he murdered me... and got away with it. For now. 
Justice will not come at my own hands. Vengeance belongs to God, who is close to the broken hearted. Who promises to repay all that is sown. It may not be today or tomorrow but it will come. I do not take pleasure in knowing his suffering to come. But I do take comfort in knowing it will come (again) and it will be swift and just.
This time, I won't be there to save him. This time, there will be no next time... for us. 

In this healing, I have found myself detaching from so many. Distancing myself from those who have not stood up for me. They accuse me of wanting them to take sides. But it's the simple act of,  "I'm not ok with what you did" that makes the difference. They are no different than him. Avoiding the accountability. Ignoring the pain. Numb to the consequences. Maybe it's not their burden to carry but it is the complete crushing of someone they supposedly love. I don't see it anymore. Empathy doesn't exist. Compassion is taboo. Healing is messy enough without your world turning its back on you.  
So God continues to show me I am not of this world. I no longer desire to be here. It is a daily struggle to hold on and wait for Him to call me home. A painful, disgusting existence. 

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