Breaking the Bondage of Narcissism

3 months ago I was suicidal. It lasted well into last month. I fought everyday with thoughts to end my pain. Where, when, how... every single fucking day. I would be out driving and hope someone would swerve into me, t-bone my car, hit me head on. There were even times I'd look for a pole to smash into at a high speed. I didn't want to be here.  This is what hurting someone so badly does to them. You destroy them. Unable to see the blessings around them. Unable to feel the love from other people or see that they are needed by anyone. To pull myself out of my thoughts, I had to look for these things and focus on them. It's so much easier to be miserable when you're hurting than to put on a fake smile, pretend to be ok, go on as if nothing is wrong. The hard part was making people believe you were ok, when you're not. How could they not see it? How could the ones closest to you NOT see it?  And then.... one day I woke up and I was a little bit stro...

We are conditioned from a very early age that, "words will never hurt me". Well they do. Does this dismiss the impact of emotional abuse? And is emotional abuse limited to words? What about actions or lack of actions? The silent treatment for example or total discard.  Why are people not held responsible for this behavior? Why is it that we categorize abuse and only speak up about what is visible? I think there is a lot to say about driving someone to the point of wanting to die.  So let's discuss visible vs not visible. If you see a bruise on a friends cheek, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Certainly not that she tripped and hit the corner of the coffee table.  Does someone need to be crying for you to know they are hurting? Often times the pain is so deep and the vicitm is in a position that requires them to mask the pain. Like being at work, school, out in public. You cant see it but it is there. These are the times that break people down. Th...

Was just thinking to myself last night, had he not discarded me would I still be there? Yes. Yes I would. Because that's what I did for 25 years. I stayed. I hoped. I let him destroy me.  And for a brief moment I was thankful. Going on 2 months of no contact and in this time he's given me the freedom to reflect, study, becoming more knowledgeable of exactly who he is.  I hear all this stuff about how they come back, love bombing and hovering to work their way back in. I had a little anxiety about it for a while but as I grow stronger, each day is a reminder of how much better my life is without him. He's not coming back and that's a promise I made to myself.  He gave me a gift without even knowing it. 

Before all of this, I was having my own health issues. I'm not one to seek attention and to be honest, I didn't want to hear, "but what about me?" Which is what he did everytime. If something was wrong with me, he'd one up me. If I felt a certain way, he'd one up me.  I just know if I told what was happening with me, it would take the attention away from him for a short time and I would never hear the end of it. So I decided to keep it to myself. After all, isn't it better to have people treat you the way they will treat you truthfully rather than hide behind the, "I need to be nicer to them because they're sick"?  And now after everything that's happened, I feel like I'll just be accused of seeking pity. Maybe even lying.  Where does that fear come from? It comes from years of being invalidated and unsupported. It comes from the selfishness of someone that needed everything to be about them.  So here I sit. Wondering if t...

The last 25 years of my life was like a 500,000 piece puzzle. That's 20,000 pieces a year. Almost 1700 pieces a month. 50 to 60 pieces a day.  Now imagine that being a real puzzle with actual pieces. Piles and piles of pieces that explained your life from beginning to end.  Along the way many pieces got lost, never to be found. But on the days when a piece fit just right... those are the ones worth remembering.  So why is it we only remember the days we struggled to find the missing piece or focused too long on the one that just wouldn't fit in that spot? Because those are the days we needed answers that would never come. Those are the days the picture on the puzzle had a clue, affirmation, just... one... more... piece.  I never finished that puzzle. I gave up on it after seeing too many of the areas to completion then destroyed. The last piece I held in my hand showed me too many truths and offered a painful aftermath. That last piece was what made it al...