To tell or not to tell...

Before all of this, I was having my own health issues. I'm not one to seek attention and to be honest, I didn't want to hear, "but what about me?" Which is what he did everytime. If something was wrong with me, he'd one up me. If I felt a certain way, he'd one up me. 
I just know if I told what was happening with me, it would take the attention away from him for a short time and I would never hear the end of it.
So I decided to keep it to myself. After all, isn't it better to have people treat you the way they will treat you truthfully rather than hide behind the, "I need to be nicer to them because they're sick"?  And now after everything that's happened, I feel like I'll just be accused of seeking pity. Maybe even lying. 
Where does that fear come from? It comes from years of being invalidated and unsupported. It comes from the selfishness of someone that needed everything to be about them. 
So here I sit. Wondering if this will be my last Christmas. Thinking I'm all alone in this journey and maybe thats not a bad thing. He's gone. And that might have been the most loving thing he ever did for me. 
Is it wrong of me to think, "he deserves to live with the guilt of how he treated me"? 
If you can't treat me right while I'm breathing,  you don't get to treat me right just because I'm not well.  (shoulder shrug) 


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