You earned it...

In a conversation with my son today, I apologized for everything he went through due to my inability to accept the truth of who I was married too and the pain that caused all of us. 
My son was quick to put me in my place. Reminding me that I did what I had to do as a Mother wanting her kids to have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their backs. 
He then said something that blew me away. As we discussed all the years of mental abuse. All the toxicity. All the pain. He reminded me of all the good that came from it. With every memory that unfolded he had a positive to it. And the greatest thing I heard was this... "he was a necessary evil"!

I asked my son to elaborate and he said, "he taught me the kind of man not to be. He taught me the kind of husband I should be. He showed me the kind of Father I didn't want to be (when/if he has kids). He showed me what kind of friends not to have. He gave me nothing but he gave me a lot." 

My son left my home at 15 to go live with his biological dad. It tore me apart. For a very long time there was a wedge between my son and I. I did not know that it was a painful decision for my son as he didn't want to leave me. He just couldn't stay there any longer.

He said my decision to stay with the narcissist I married allowed his sisters to learn what kind of man NOT to settle for. What kind of man they should NEVER trust or give themselves to. The kind of man NOT to have children with. 

So, instead of beating myself up for staying and taking all the credit for how great my kids turned out.. I can now give some of the credit to the "necessary evil"... 


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