Breaking the Bondage of Narcissism

Years later and I'm still triggered by the abuse. Last night I had to take my youngest (20) to the ER and while she apologized profusely for his late it was (work night(, I couldn't help but remember when my kids were little and I was the only one in the ER with them.   As you can imagine, with 5 kids, that's a lot of ER visits over time.   This morning I'm forced to get up for work on 3 hrs of sleep. Only this time, I don't have an angry, heartless asshole standing over me telling me to,  "Get the fuck up".  (BTW... my daughter is ok).  This memory just makes me resent myself for staying. I allowed him to bully me and dictate everyday as if I owed him. As if he owned me.  It didn't matter if it was a near all night visit to the ER, a fussy newborn or me being sick. Didn't matter.  But let him be hungover AF. Let him be sick.  Me....Jumping up to keep the kids quiet, making sure the TV isn't too loud, not letting any door in ...

3 months ago I was suicidal. It lasted well into last month. I fought everyday with thoughts to end my pain. Where, when, how... every single fucking day. I would be out driving and hope someone would swerve into me, t-bone my car, hit me head on. There were even times I'd look for a pole to smash into at a high speed. I didn't want to be here.  This is what hurting someone so badly does to them. You destroy them. Unable to see the blessings around them. Unable to feel the love from other people or see that they are needed by anyone. To pull myself out of my thoughts, I had to look for these things and focus on them. It's so much easier to be miserable when you're hurting than to put on a fake smile, pretend to be ok, go on as if nothing is wrong. The hard part was making people believe you were ok, when you're not. How could they not see it? How could the ones closest to you NOT see it?  And then.... one day I woke up and I was a little bit stro...

She has attempted suicide many times. Contemplated it more than anyone knows. Her own son and his girlfriend found her in her closet with a noose around her neck.   But you wouldn't know it when you walk into her house. The minute the friends come around, he's a completely different person. That's why she doesn't mind the constant visitors. It's the only time she has peace.  He expects her to smile and laugh and act like he's the best husband in the world. And his friends believe it.  What they wouldn't believe is he's a cheater. Even if proof was put in their face. But the one time she welcomed phone calls from a friend from her past, he made her call everyone and tell them she's a lying, cheating whore. If she wanted to stay, she had to admit her guilt to everyone.  He tried to sleep with her best friend once. His best friends girl. She refused him and told his wife. The wife believed her, but his torment was far to grea...

Under my scars, there is a woman wondering why. Why did you let him do this? Why did you stay?  Don't you remember all the times he came home from the bar with a woman's number in his pocket?  Don't you remember how many nights you laid awake in bed crying because he wasn't home yet and the bar closed 2hrs ago?  Don't you remember the time you called him from a different phone and he told you he wasn't married? Don't you remember the pornographic photos in his phone?  Don't you remember your daughter running down to the bar to get him and telling you she had to pull some bitch off his lap?  Don't you remember his friends telling you he was at a strip club?  Don't you remember the text of him encouraging his married best friend to have an affair?  Don't you remember the absence of comfort when you were hurting?  Don't you remember him not showing up to important events to support you?  Don't you remember the times he blamed...

Was just thinking to myself last night, had he not discarded me would I still be there? Yes. Yes I would. Because that's what I did for 25 years. I stayed. I hoped. I let him destroy me.  And for a brief moment I was thankful. Going on 2 months of no contact and in this time he's given me the freedom to reflect, study, becoming more knowledgeable of exactly who he is.  I hear all this stuff about how they come back, love bombing and hovering to work their way back in. I had a little anxiety about it for a while but as I grow stronger, each day is a reminder of how much better my life is without him. He's not coming back and that's a promise I made to myself.  He gave me a gift without even knowing it. 

Before all of this, I was having my own health issues. I'm not one to seek attention and to be honest, I didn't want to hear, "but what about me?" Which is what he did everytime. If something was wrong with me, he'd one up me. If I felt a certain way, he'd one up me.  I just know if I told what was happening with me, it would take the attention away from him for a short time and I would never hear the end of it. So I decided to keep it to myself. After all, isn't it better to have people treat you the way they will treat you truthfully rather than hide behind the, "I need to be nicer to them because they're sick"?  And now after everything that's happened, I feel like I'll just be accused of seeking pity. Maybe even lying.  Where does that fear come from? It comes from years of being invalidated and unsupported. It comes from the selfishness of someone that needed everything to be about them.  So here I sit. Wondering if t...

The last 25 years of my life was like a 500,000 piece puzzle. That's 20,000 pieces a year. Almost 1700 pieces a month. 50 to 60 pieces a day.  Now imagine that being a real puzzle with actual pieces. Piles and piles of pieces that explained your life from beginning to end.  Along the way many pieces got lost, never to be found. But on the days when a piece fit just right... those are the ones worth remembering.  So why is it we only remember the days we struggled to find the missing piece or focused too long on the one that just wouldn't fit in that spot? Because those are the days we needed answers that would never come. Those are the days the picture on the puzzle had a clue, affirmation, just... one... more... piece.  I never finished that puzzle. I gave up on it after seeing too many of the areas to completion then destroyed. The last piece I held in my hand showed me too many truths and offered a painful aftermath. That last piece was what made it al...

The thing about B is he always chose people over his blood. If they accepted him the way he was, allowed him to be a drunk, never called him out on his behavior, THEY were his "Family".  It's quite sad. Had more people not accepted him and the things he did, he might have seen where the problem really lied.  I could share years of heartache over this one but the most recent is by far his biggest betrayal and their part in it.  In the trailer park where he resides, there are 2 - 70 yr old women that B took to. They did everything for him. His laundry, cleaned his trailer, made him food. He'd stop by Betty's trailer on the way out every morning to get a cup of coffee and pick up his sack lunch. He called her Mom. She would text him every morning and night to say, "good night son, I love you" and the same every morning. Val I think was more of a drinking buddy. He called her Auntie. I didn't figure her out until after the accident.   I got i...

I post a lot of things about narcissism on my Facebook. Both my personal profile and my "Breaking the Bondage" page. What I post on my page gets shared on my Instagram. I'm even thinking about starting a TikTok. And here, I have my blog where I can tell bits and pieces of my story.  I do ALL of this to "recover" and now that I'm feeling the healing power of knowldege, I want others to have it too. Knowledge is so powerful.  Like when we're sick and we google our symptoms. Then we can take our medicine. The knowing helps us decide what medicine we need to take. The medicne makes us feel better until the ailment goes away. Sure we can skip the medicine and just wait it out.  But... do you ever wonder if you would just take the medicine that you would "heal" faster?  Or, maybe if we hadn't googled the symptoms we wouldn't know what the problem was? Ok, ok... I know a symptom can mean anything. But you know your body. You know w...

Sometimes, in the midst of all the pain you NEED to remember to turn to God for healing of your mind, your heart, your soul.  There is no other way to escape the demons attacking you. There is no other love that can comfort you and give you peace.  Do not let the demons win! It's a tough battle but you can do it. They are not stronger than God.  In my dark hour, I wanted to end my life. My demons tried to convince me it was the only way to end the pain. If not for my kids and grandkids, I might have believed them enough to follow through. But I knew I would enslave my children in an unimaginable pain as long as they lived. God put my focus on them. Reminding me there was more to hold on to than the betrayal and disappointment that was thrown at me by people I trusted. By a man who never belonged in my life. God gave me plenty of queues to leave. He showed me many times that my marriage was not blessed and I didn't belong there. Looking back at all ...

When he wanted me, he wanted me to leave my kids, my grandsons, my home. He told me to let them fend for themselves and if they ended up homeless tough $#!+.  I knew if I left he would control when I saw them, how much time I spent with them. I knew this and I couldn't do it. I knew if they needed me, needed help he would prevent it.  I didn't bend. So he left. Within days he had his new "supply" and amazingly he calls the kids daily. He takes them out to eat. He asks to spend time with them.  No, I didn't need to get out of the way for him to want his kids. He's impressing her with his, "look at what a great Dad I am".  Sadly it will wear off and my kids will be crushed. Eventually he will stop making the effort cause it exhausts him and he already has her "locked in". She's the perfect candidate for his next victim. He told our youngest they have so much in common and she once dated a guy that stalked her.  Oh honey... you...

I have everything I need to destroy him. Problem is, he's too good at playing a victim. Has a back story for everything. An excuse to excuse his behavior, his actions, his choices.  He's already convinced this great guy he works with to start a business with him. The same kind of business we had together. He just needed someone smart enough to take the test and get the license.  This guy is going to be the biggest investor. B has convinced A that they are going to be rich. Don't get me wrong, B has the ability to make it happen. Don't all liars make the best salesmen?  A has a family. He's a Godly man. B is using this as a lure. Playing the "great Dad" who was an incredible "family man" and wants what's best for A and his family.  So what's the evidence? What could I possibly have that could put doubt in A's mind.  Court documents. A lawsuit. B moved here not to be closer to his kids. He ran from a company he stole $76,000...

One day out of nowhere, I was totally discarded. Even though I had no desire to return to the abuse, but the cut off and the way he did it... STUNG! Or maybe it was the build up before the discard?  Literally a week before his decision he was telling me we belonged together. That we were made for eachother.  "We've been through so much and I just want to prove everyone wrong".   So why wasn't I falling for it? Maybe it was the constant video calling to see where I was. The showing up unannounced and coming through my door like he was going to catch me doing something. Or the morning phone calls on my way in to work that completely ruined my mood. I was so sick of hearing,  "I know you're effing someone" when he had clear evidence that I was home EVERY night. Video background doesn't lie.  It wasn't until a few days after the discard that I learned about her. The girl feeding his ego. The girl he was all of the sudden involved with.  A...

I belong to a support group on FB and one of the members asked if anyone else had a Narc Ex that was obsessed with money.   The memory flooded!  We ran a business together.  The licenses were in my name, I ran the office, balanced the books, did the taxes.  He had the field smarts. While I stayed home and answered the phones, scheduled the jobs, called the inspections, took care of the kids, played housewife, it was ALL HIS!   If I wanted money, I had to ask for it. Then I had to justify needing it. If it was something as important as groceries, I had to perform "favors" to get it. TO FEED MY CHILDREN!  He would have me sign his name on checks to pay bills (so it looked like he did everything) but he red-flagged me at the bank so I couldn't write checks to myself.   Everything bought... was HIS! Every house we lived in... HIS!  This memory is killing me right now!