Breaking the Bondage of Narcissism

Years later and I'm still triggered by the abuse. Last night I had to take my youngest (20) to the ER and while she apologized profusely for his late it was (work night(, I couldn't help but remember when my kids were little and I was the only one in the ER with them.   As you can imagine, with 5 kids, that's a lot of ER visits over time.   This morning I'm forced to get up for work on 3 hrs of sleep. Only this time, I don't have an angry, heartless asshole standing over me telling me to,  "Get the fuck up".  (BTW... my daughter is ok).  This memory just makes me resent myself for staying. I allowed him to bully me and dictate everyday as if I owed him. As if he owned me.  It didn't matter if it was a near all night visit to the ER, a fussy newborn or me being sick. Didn't matter.  But let him be hungover AF. Let him be sick.  Me....Jumping up to keep the kids quiet, making sure the TV isn't too loud, not letting any door in ...

Notice the title of this blog? It's a statement he made when he tried to justify what he was doing. Saying there was nothing but drama with me and he was done with it.  So tell me... Does complaining to your adult kids insidiously, not count as "drama"?  Is blaming someone else for the way things are (when the way things are, are due to your own actions), not drama? Is cussing at your kids for things they have no control over, not drama?  It's been a year and a half since I've spoken to him. Longer since I set eyes on him. I've had NO interest in having anything to do with him. I don't talk to his "friends". I have nothing to do with the people he has claimed as his new "family". The only people he and I communicate with together are OUR kids.  A few days ago our youngest daughter took a charger back to him that our son had borrowed. She came home visibly upset. The entire time she was there, he complained about how he sits ...

The more I thought about "My" story, I realized it's his story too. Whether he is able to admit it, own it, man up, is a whole nother tale.  Narcissists are good story tellers. They are really good at getting people to pity them. Sometimes the things in my head that he's told people about me, haunts me. I use to be someone that wanted the truth to be known. I'd fight for it. Go to any length to make sure it was told. But as I've gotten older and certainly from all that I've experienced, I've realized that the only person who needs the truth is ME. I lived in a lie for so long that being free from it is all that matters. Not what others think. Not what others have heard. I KNOW the truth. He KNOWS the truth. And honestly if others want to believe the lies he continues to tell, that's their agony. I don't live there anymore and THAT is MY story.  You get to a point where you realize that every single person that "believes" t...

3 months ago I was suicidal. It lasted well into last month. I fought everyday with thoughts to end my pain. Where, when, how... every single fucking day. I would be out driving and hope someone would swerve into me, t-bone my car, hit me head on. There were even times I'd look for a pole to smash into at a high speed. I didn't want to be here.  This is what hurting someone so badly does to them. You destroy them. Unable to see the blessings around them. Unable to feel the love from other people or see that they are needed by anyone. To pull myself out of my thoughts, I had to look for these things and focus on them. It's so much easier to be miserable when you're hurting than to put on a fake smile, pretend to be ok, go on as if nothing is wrong. The hard part was making people believe you were ok, when you're not. How could they not see it? How could the ones closest to you NOT see it?  And then.... one day I woke up and I was a little bit stro...

She has attempted suicide many times. Contemplated it more than anyone knows. Her own son and his girlfriend found her in her closet with a noose around her neck.   But you wouldn't know it when you walk into her house. The minute the friends come around, he's a completely different person. That's why she doesn't mind the constant visitors. It's the only time she has peace.  He expects her to smile and laugh and act like he's the best husband in the world. And his friends believe it.  What they wouldn't believe is he's a cheater. Even if proof was put in their face. But the one time she welcomed phone calls from a friend from her past, he made her call everyone and tell them she's a lying, cheating whore. If she wanted to stay, she had to admit her guilt to everyone.  He tried to sleep with her best friend once. His best friends girl. She refused him and told his wife. The wife believed her, but his torment was far to grea...

We are conditioned from a very early age that, "words will never hurt me". Well they do. Does this dismiss the impact of emotional abuse? And is emotional abuse limited to words? What about actions or lack of actions? The silent treatment for example or total discard.  Why are people not held responsible for this behavior? Why is it that we categorize abuse and only speak up about what is visible? I think there is a lot to say about driving someone to the point of wanting to die.  So let's discuss visible vs not visible. If you see a bruise on a friends cheek, what's the first thing that comes to mind? Certainly not that she tripped and hit the corner of the coffee table.  Does someone need to be crying for you to know they are hurting? Often times the pain is so deep and the vicitm is in a position that requires them to mask the pain. Like being at work, school, out in public. You cant see it but it is there. These are the times that break people down. Th...

Under my scars, there is a woman wondering why. Why did you let him do this? Why did you stay?  Don't you remember all the times he came home from the bar with a woman's number in his pocket?  Don't you remember how many nights you laid awake in bed crying because he wasn't home yet and the bar closed 2hrs ago?  Don't you remember the time you called him from a different phone and he told you he wasn't married? Don't you remember the pornographic photos in his phone?  Don't you remember your daughter running down to the bar to get him and telling you she had to pull some bitch off his lap?  Don't you remember his friends telling you he was at a strip club?  Don't you remember the text of him encouraging his married best friend to have an affair?  Don't you remember the absence of comfort when you were hurting?  Don't you remember him not showing up to important events to support you?  Don't you remember the times he blamed...

Was just thinking to myself last night, had he not discarded me would I still be there? Yes. Yes I would. Because that's what I did for 25 years. I stayed. I hoped. I let him destroy me.  And for a brief moment I was thankful. Going on 2 months of no contact and in this time he's given me the freedom to reflect, study, becoming more knowledgeable of exactly who he is.  I hear all this stuff about how they come back, love bombing and hovering to work their way back in. I had a little anxiety about it for a while but as I grow stronger, each day is a reminder of how much better my life is without him. He's not coming back and that's a promise I made to myself.  He gave me a gift without even knowing it. 

The last 25 years of my life was like a 500,000 piece puzzle. That's 20,000 pieces a year. Almost 1700 pieces a month. 50 to 60 pieces a day.  Now imagine that being a real puzzle with actual pieces. Piles and piles of pieces that explained your life from beginning to end.  Along the way many pieces got lost, never to be found. But on the days when a piece fit just right... those are the ones worth remembering.  So why is it we only remember the days we struggled to find the missing piece or focused too long on the one that just wouldn't fit in that spot? Because those are the days we needed answers that would never come. Those are the days the picture on the puzzle had a clue, affirmation, just... one... more... piece.  I never finished that puzzle. I gave up on it after seeing too many of the areas to completion then destroyed. The last piece I held in my hand showed me too many truths and offered a painful aftermath. That last piece was what made it al...

I post a lot of things about narcissism on my Facebook. Both my personal profile and my "Breaking the Bondage" page. What I post on my page gets shared on my Instagram. I'm even thinking about starting a TikTok. And here, I have my blog where I can tell bits and pieces of my story.  I do ALL of this to "recover" and now that I'm feeling the healing power of knowldege, I want others to have it too. Knowledge is so powerful.  Like when we're sick and we google our symptoms. Then we can take our medicine. The knowing helps us decide what medicine we need to take. The medicne makes us feel better until the ailment goes away. Sure we can skip the medicine and just wait it out.  But... do you ever wonder if you would just take the medicine that you would "heal" faster?  Or, maybe if we hadn't googled the symptoms we wouldn't know what the problem was? Ok, ok... I know a symptom can mean anything. But you know your body. You know w...

Sometimes, in the midst of all the pain you NEED to remember to turn to God for healing of your mind, your heart, your soul.  There is no other way to escape the demons attacking you. There is no other love that can comfort you and give you peace.  Do not let the demons win! It's a tough battle but you can do it. They are not stronger than God.  In my dark hour, I wanted to end my life. My demons tried to convince me it was the only way to end the pain. If not for my kids and grandkids, I might have believed them enough to follow through. But I knew I would enslave my children in an unimaginable pain as long as they lived. God put my focus on them. Reminding me there was more to hold on to than the betrayal and disappointment that was thrown at me by people I trusted. By a man who never belonged in my life. God gave me plenty of queues to leave. He showed me many times that my marriage was not blessed and I didn't belong there. Looking back at all ...

When he wanted me, he wanted me to leave my kids, my grandsons, my home. He told me to let them fend for themselves and if they ended up homeless tough $#!+.  I knew if I left he would control when I saw them, how much time I spent with them. I knew this and I couldn't do it. I knew if they needed me, needed help he would prevent it.  I didn't bend. So he left. Within days he had his new "supply" and amazingly he calls the kids daily. He takes them out to eat. He asks to spend time with them.  No, I didn't need to get out of the way for him to want his kids. He's impressing her with his, "look at what a great Dad I am".  Sadly it will wear off and my kids will be crushed. Eventually he will stop making the effort cause it exhausts him and he already has her "locked in". She's the perfect candidate for his next victim. He told our youngest they have so much in common and she once dated a guy that stalked her.  Oh honey... you...

One day out of nowhere, I was totally discarded. Even though I had no desire to return to the abuse, but the cut off and the way he did it... STUNG! Or maybe it was the build up before the discard?  Literally a week before his decision he was telling me we belonged together. That we were made for eachother.  "We've been through so much and I just want to prove everyone wrong".   So why wasn't I falling for it? Maybe it was the constant video calling to see where I was. The showing up unannounced and coming through my door like he was going to catch me doing something. Or the morning phone calls on my way in to work that completely ruined my mood. I was so sick of hearing,  "I know you're effing someone" when he had clear evidence that I was home EVERY night. Video background doesn't lie.  It wasn't until a few days after the discard that I learned about her. The girl feeding his ego. The girl he was all of the sudden involved with.  A...

Not the 5th DUI when he went to work release for 6mo. It wasn't the 6th DUI when he spent 6mo in County. Nor the 7th DUI when he was sentenced to 2 yrs in DOC (prison - only served 1 yr).  The image above is his most recent,  "I'm never gonna drink again". He was passed out drunk in this trailer when it caught fire and would have died had a passerby not jumped that wall and pulled him out. He spent 6 weeks in an induced coma due to his burns. A total of 2 months in the hospital. Pushed himself to get out of rehab within 2 weeks. In less than a month he was smoking again (said he wouldn't). Baby steps to old self? His behavior hasn't changed. His pity me, look at me, it's ALL her fault attitude is back already. 25 years with this Narcissist and I am 100% confident the drinking WILL happen... and soon!  To all who have fallen for his crap again and failed me, again.... don't even bother with,  "you were right". I'm done with you...

I was the sober one! I was at every soccer game, dental appt, emergency room visit,  parent/teacher conference, school play,  class party, birthday, holiday. I did all the dropping off, picking up, running around.  Do you remember how you'd get drunk at every race our son had? I do! Do you remember showing up drunk at our sons 1st baseball game AS THE COACH and being escorted off the field? I do!  Do you remember all the late nights at the bar? Coming home at 6am when the bar closes at 2am? The girls numbers in your pant pockets? The excuses? The lies? The cocaine snorting and porn out in the camper? The titty bars? DO YOU REMEMBER? I DO! But still, you convinced everyone I was the cheater. YOU WERE THE MONSTER! 

I belong to a support group on FB and one of the members asked if anyone else had a Narc Ex that was obsessed with money.   The memory flooded!  We ran a business together.  The licenses were in my name, I ran the office, balanced the books, did the taxes.  He had the field smarts. While I stayed home and answered the phones, scheduled the jobs, called the inspections, took care of the kids, played housewife, it was ALL HIS!   If I wanted money, I had to ask for it. Then I had to justify needing it. If it was something as important as groceries, I had to perform "favors" to get it. TO FEED MY CHILDREN!  He would have me sign his name on checks to pay bills (so it looked like he did everything) but he red-flagged me at the bank so I couldn't write checks to myself.   Everything bought... was HIS! Every house we lived in... HIS!  This memory is killing me right now!