Breaking the Bondage of Narcissism

Sometimes, nature says, "hold on a little longer, I got this!"  Nothing I could have done would have been any worse than the Karma that falls on him now. NOTHING. The old me would have been crushed, fearful, emerged in him. She also would have been depressed, misused, and taken for granted.  The new me?... well, she refuses to look at this as if it's anything to do with what he did TO ME. He brought this upon himself. HE DID THIS!  Our youngest made the statement that "It's his karma for what he did". I knew I was healed when I reminded her that this is the result of a lifestyle led by alcohol and drugs not the abuse and not the abandonment. I will not take the blame for this one!  He has cancer. 25% in his bone marrow. 75% blood. Lymphnodes tested positive. He started chemo last week and it's doing what chemo does.  A part of me wants to feel sorry for him. But the part of me that he destroyed is fighting that sympathy. I pray about it. Pray...

The more I thought about "My" story, I realized it's his story too. Whether he is able to admit it, own it, man up, is a whole nother tale.  Narcissists are good story tellers. They are really good at getting people to pity them. Sometimes the things in my head that he's told people about me, haunts me. I use to be someone that wanted the truth to be known. I'd fight for it. Go to any length to make sure it was told. But as I've gotten older and certainly from all that I've experienced, I've realized that the only person who needs the truth is ME. I lived in a lie for so long that being free from it is all that matters. Not what others think. Not what others have heard. I KNOW the truth. He KNOWS the truth. And honestly if others want to believe the lies he continues to tell, that's their agony. I don't live there anymore and THAT is MY story.  You get to a point where you realize that every single person that "believes" t...

You were ignored as a baby You got beat everyday as a child Your parents couldn't stand you Your siblings hated you Your 19 yr old baby sitter stole your 12yr old innocence Your uncle molested you well into your teens  You thought molesting your sister was normal You started doing drugs at 12 You had to go to work at age 10 to provide for yourself You were kicked out when you were 16 You were so unloved growing up You have to buy people's love to keep them around Your best friend has so much control over  you You get used by every single person in your life You have a grade school education  You turned to alcohol and drugs to fight your demons  You are addicted to porn You can't last longer than 3 minutes in sex You still pee the bed You have a life you can't escape from But most of all, I'm sorry that I let you pull me into your hell and I couldn't save you! 

Congratulations! You've been sober for almost a year, again. But this time it's for real, right? Right!  I can't wait to see how you're gonna make up for all the family dinners you missed. All the bedtime story times you weren't present for. And let's not forget the ER visits, school plays, parent-teacher conferences, dentist appts, sports, 1st days at school, birthdays and holidays you ruined.  Yeah, this time there will be no disappointments! No more lawyers, court dates, jail time, prison sentences. No court ordered house arrest or work release. No more going hungry so you can go to the bar and buy your "friends" a round. Good thing the kids are no longer in need of diapers... phew!  I am so happy for you! Especially your adult kids that believe in you because they were too young to remember the broken promises. Too young to remember you drunk at the track, or that time you were carried off the baseball field when you coached your sons t...

The day to day strength it takes to heal from this abuse is grueling. Somedays I can't take it. I swear there are more days that I just want to end it all. More bad days than good days are not healthy to the mind.  So I find myself screaming at the devil to leave me alone. He doesn't need me. He got what he wanted. There are several souls at play here in this wicked game and he can't have mine. Then he whispers to me that I'm the biggest prize of them all and I know this is going to be a long, hard battle.  To outsiders, I look fine. I look like I'm healing. But on the inside, I'm dying. And it's an excruciating death. To be discarded like you never existed? Silenced like you never mattered? Abandoned like all those years never happened? He killed me. Who I was,  what I did, right where I stood... he murdered me... and got away with it. For now.  Justice will not come at my own hands. Vengeance belongs to God, who is close to the broken hearted. ...

His victim card? The reason he did what he did? He tells everyone I cheated on him from day one.  I don't know about you, but some guy tells me he was cheated on and my red flag radar goes up.  NO woman cheats for NO reason. Not any woman that has a good man... or is that just me?  Let me tell you about day one. He didnt call me for 8 days after we met. Why? He was in jail. Says it was from being pulled over with a broken tail light, driving on a suspended license. But it was a DUI. 6th and final one in CA (you'll understand why in a minute). But I, like an IDIOT, believed him. Not that it mattered to me at the time.  The night I met him I was celebrating filing my divorce. Didn't care to get involved. Wasn't in to him like that. Matter of fact, it was a HUGE turn off that he went to jail.  But I let him "love bomb" me. I absorbed that shit like a sponge  and stuck around much longer than I should have. He became possessive, stalking, had jealou...

In a conversation with my son today, I apologized for everything he went through due to my inability to accept the truth of who I was married too and the pain that caused all of us.  My son was quick to put me in my place. Reminding me that I did what I had to do as a Mother wanting her kids to have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their backs.  He then said something that blew me away. As we discussed all the years of mental abuse. All the toxicity. All the pain. He reminded me of all the good that came from it. With every memory that unfolded he had a positive to it. And the greatest thing I heard was this... "he was a necessary evil"! I asked my son to elaborate and he said, "he taught me the kind of man not to be. He taught me the kind of husband I should be. He showed me the kind of Father I didn't want to be (when/if he has kids). He showed me what kind of friends not to have. He gave me nothing but he gave me a lot."  My ...